strategery from 30,000 feet

Less strategic, more authentic.


I’ve had a series of experiences lately, both personally and professionally, as well as had stories shared with me that remind me how important it is to never let your strategy override your authenticity.


You can smell it a mile away when someone is asking a loaded question, setting up a crafted conversation, or fishing for a specific reaction. You can tell when someone’s behavior is highly calculated, and it’s as exhausting as it is obnoxious. And the more you associate yourself with highly aware and intentful individuals, the more obvious and intolerable that sort of behavior is. It’s a skill to be able to recognize it in yourself and keep it to a fun, healthy level – and I think this is why it’s important to be focused on and desire what’s best for you, not a specific thing or person you want, because should that not be the right thing or person for you, your crafted actions are going to be inconsistent with what’s truly in store for you and within you.


A strong sense of strategy and almost complete lack of authenticity is something I observe a lot in individuals who aren’t happy with where they are personally. Now this isn’t to say that I’ve got it all together and am happy as a peach in all areas of life, however, I can say that my strategy of being simply authentic over the last few months has yielded very promising results.


I’m still playing my cards right, as everyone should - however, I’m learning to practice both patience and restraint all the while caring with reckless abandon. I have decided that in every area of my life, most recently and specifically in my romantic life, that I never want to reflect back on an undesired outcome with the question of, “What if I coulda, woulda, and shoulda done x, y, or z?” What could I have done differently? What would I have done having known it would lead me here? How should I have handled that situation differently? Instead of being reactive with apologies, be proactive with your actions through self-awareness.


We become so incredibly prideful in relationships and in work (often to protect ourselves) that we use that as self-justifying and enabling behavior to act in an emotional way. Doing what you coulda, woulda, and shoulda isn’t the most instantly gratifying thing, nor it is very easy, and it may require a level of humbleness and vulnerability you’re not comfortable with – but I’ll take a few minutes or even hours of vulnerability that yields a positive outcome over a few days of pride that cause the progress and relationship to regress.


I think it’s also incredibly important to compartmentalize your stress and emotions. The easiest example is being aware of how much you let work and the associated stress influence and affect your personal life and relationships. Some small bump in the road in the evening that shouldn’t be a big deal at all can throw you off your game tremendously if you let the stress of work carry over into your night and alter your perspective. And now you’ve got a lose lose situation – you had a rough day at work and just allowed it to translate into your evening, something you’d been looking forward to all day - and now you can either be prideful and wallow in your bad day, or compartmentalize and take steps to remedy the situation, pride aside. Being aware of where things should begin and end and handling each situation as such is one of the keys to being successful in various areas of your life simultaneously. The inability to compartmentalize is what yields many individuals with tremendous professional success without much to show personally by way of relationships, family, friends, hobbies, etc.


Authentic action also plays an enormous role in getting what you want for yourself. Notice I didn’t say who you want, rather, what you want. If you want healthy, positive companionship, act in a manner conducive to that. Focusing on a healthy relationship through healthy action is much different than focusing on strategic action to win over a specific someone. I wake up each day and do my best to handle it as such, as a new day, and act accordingly. I’m not going to use my actions the next morning to further drive home a point from the evening before. When a conversation, situation, or day is over, let it be as such.


I am confident that I can survive any loss I endure should I be able to say that I did what I could have, should have, and would have if I had another chance. I never want to walk away wanting a do-over, wishing I could do things differently. I’m going to be me, the most refined, progressive, patient, and self-aware me I can and I welcome the results with open arms. This is what allows me to embrace “failure” – if a situation or relationship doesn’t work out the way I’d planned or wished, I’m confident that failure is taking me off of a path I never should’ve been on in the first place. If my actions were authentic and not crafted through strategy, then I know the outcome is positive, regardless if I can see how yet or not.


There’s a deep level of complexity behind “being yourself.” Many people use that as a way to justify being impatient, irrational, and emotional. Being “you” should be an ever changing, ever growing and evolving process – you’ve got to be committed to learning from previous mistakes and experiences and practicing those new actions when given the chance. It’s like the quote, “If you carry the same bricks from your old relationship to the next, you’ll build the same house.” I more often than not want to react in a way I’m now realizing I shouldn’t, and if I want the same results as last time, then I should perform the same actions. I can’t say it enough and am learning it as first hand as I can – actions can and always will speak louder than words. Listen to and speak through actions first, speak secondly. Act in a way consistent to who you want to be, in a way that is less about strategy and more about authenticity.


Nobody is perfect, but you can be genuine - and it sure is a close second.


Doing what I could, would and should,

k

*My "from 30,00 feet" series are blogs written in flight, obviously.

the angel in my office.

"Leadership can be thought of as a capacity to define oneself to others that clarifies and expands a vision for the future." -Edwin H. Friedman

I've written about this colleague before. She's consistently been the anchor of peace, patience, and truth in our office, and she always bestows upon me the most compelling jewels of wisdom just before I realized I needed to hear it. She's a breath of fresh air, and you don't find that very often, especially in the work place.

We were speaking briefly just a few moments ago about life decisions in general, as we've both made a couple of big personal changes as of late, and how it can be tough for someone as passionate and self aware as myself to make slower, more methodical decisions. It's like, when I know, I know - and I often question myself on my pace and try as I may, I can't really slow the process down. I often just "feel" when a situation is right or wrong, or if I've outgrown it, and can only engage in something so long as I'm passionate about it. As soon as my heart isn't in it, it's only a matter of days before everyone involved can tell I'm checked out. It's always been my blessing and my curse, when I'm on board with something, into someone, or a committed member of the team - there's not a shadow of a doubt that I'm in it to win it 100%. On the contrary, when I check out, my silence couldn't be louder.

Just last night I was discussing with a friend how my high level of self awareness prevents me from numbing myself to undesirable situations long enough to push through them and make a slow, calculated change. I'm very much a "pull the plug" kind of girl, I've never been afraid to rip the band-aid off and move on if I feel like something is no longer a fit, or if I'm somewhere I no longer need to be. Just like I read earlier today in regards to loving your failures, "Failing sometimes takes you off a path you never really wanted to be on."

So, as our conversation progressed, she so kindly shared with me that from her perspective, I'm an investment of God's, and that my spiritual gifts of leadership, words, and intelligence aren't to go wasted, that they're too valuable, and that I'm going to be used in whatever way I'm needed.

She then said that individuals with the gift of leadership often see things more quickly because their life is meant to be seen...

...that that level of awareness and strength isn't going to be wasted on delay and hesitation. I am in tune to what is wanted for me and where I'm needed, and so long as I'm committed to that, I won't be sitting around waiting for the next move very long, nor can I ignore the undeniable appetite for change. The more I exercise my faith in trusting, taking chances, and making changes - the closer I get to wherever it is I feel my heart taking me. 

Her sharing that with me could not have come at a better time.

Just as when I was overweight, I couldn't see it. I couldn't identify myself as a physical size or shape, so it was hard to see myself the way people saw me, hence why it took me so long to realize how much I'd let things get out of hand. To that point, while I know what my strengths are, I often lose sight of my "leadership" qualities and forget that maybe the reason I see things so quickly and have the strength to make moves and changes is because my life truly is meant to be seen. My experiences are what inspire people, it's how I relate to people, and it's my tool to invoke change in others.

This has everything to do with why I'm so open on both my blog and my Facebook. I can't explain why, but I just feel so compelled to share with people. A friend once said something about how frequent I post on Facebook and jokingly called me an "attention whore" - when in fact, that couldn't be further from the truth. I don't post pictures of myself for validation from men, I don't check into the gym everyday to show boat that I'm working out - rather, I post things of some kind of substance, about things that I think, see, and feel everyday, whether it be humorous, spiritual, humiliating, motivating, etc. I enjoy that interaction with people, not praise, recognition or compliments. If anything, I've always been chastised for being so open, and have had employer after manager after coach after significant other try to proverbially beat it out of me, but I can't help my desire for transparency.

In a world where stamina and duration are praised, the thoughts of, "Am I just being a quitter?" enter my mind more often than they should, but just like one of my angels reminded me today, I see moves and opportunities more quickly because my moves and opportunities are meant to be seen. I never tried to be a leader, I wasn't taught to be a leader, it's just the luck of the draw I suppose. I don't want attention, I just want to inspire emotions in others.

And to think all this time I never considered myself a risk taker. I just had it all wrong - I don't take traditional physical risks, I take emotional risks. Emotional and proverbial risk taker. I'm ok with that.

#bigriskbigreward
k

"the unselfish loyalty and benevolent concern for the good of another"

...love.

My favorite topic, my most cherished experience, the only thing that motivates me to do anything.

There's my love for myself, for my faith, my family and friends, my career, my passions and hobbies - love drives everything I do both for and to support those precious things. In cruising my newsfeed today on Facebook, I've come across a few things I really liked, and I'd like to share them with you :)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 12:4-7

It's such a praised and publicized scripture, but if you take it piece by piece and do your best to live it out, it's incredibly difficult but I can imagine is the key to a happy, lifelong marriage. And even long before that, it can be the key to your own happiness if you practice these things within yourself. I think of girls I know that are single and/or unhappy, and they are envious, boastful, and prideful. They dishonor others to make themselves look more desirable, they are self-seeking and easily angered, and keep records upon records of wrong doings. Eliminate these things from your life and allow love to take it's place.

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." -Buddha
I read earlier that today is a great day to write yourself a love note, and while the actual exercise may seem silly, it's powerful to take a second and think about what you love, admire, and appreciate about yourself. Sure, you can strive to be better, stronger, faster, more successful, etc., but you've got to love yourself today in all your work-in-progress glory to get closer to who and what you want tomorrow.

"Today and everyday, be reminded that love does not equal a relationship. Love requires the action of sacrificing one's selfish interest for another. A relationship is an exchange which is based on what you share with one another whether it is business, friendship, family, or more. You can love without being in a relationship. It takes one to love but two to be in a relationship."

I can't say enough about this. Another day, another blog :)

"The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." -Rumi

I just think this is sweet because I've always looked for love, praying for things to work with a certain guy, and this time, I'm instead focused on growing as a companion and allowing my perfect love to find me. I pray each night for the strength and patience to want what's wanted for me and to focus my efforts on being more of a 1 Corinthians 12:4-7 lover rather than being fixated on the love of a particular person. When we focus on the love of one person, we mold ourselves to fit what we interpret their wishes to be, when truthfully, they were drawn to you initially by just that - who you were and should still be. Instead of being what someone wants me to be, I'm what I want to be, true to what is within me, and when I find the person that wants just that - well then, there you have it.

"Four things you can't recover. The stone after the throw. The word after it's said. The occasion after it's missed. The time after it's gone."

And ultimately, remember that there are things you can't take back, things that can forever alter a relationship, and that time and opportunities are precious.

If anything, use this highly commercialized day to remember that we are all so busy and so self-consumed that kind words too often go unspoken. We focus so much on our spouse/partner/companion on Valentine's Day that we forget the love all around us. I woke up this morning to a girl's favorite pink bag (Victoria's Secret, of course) hanging on my door with a sweet gift from one of my roommates. I was completely surprised, and there in that moment I was reminded that this day should be about simple expressions of love and appreciation, rather than set menus and delivered roses. There are so many amazing people in my life I should be showing my love for today, rather than being concerned with whether or not a bouquet will show up to my office or where I'm having dinner. Thank you, Shireen, for this morning's kind gesture, and for reminding me what today is all about :) 

And a special thank you to Kimmy, Christy, Sam, and Taylor for lending me inspiration today as well.

xoxo,

k

#happyvalentinesday #roulettetheweiner

little guideposts

be glad of life - so much harder said than done. the reason we're predispositioned to focus on challenges over triumphs and dwell on difficulties over pleasantries, i'll never know. i'm working on it.
because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars - i've started playing more lately, but i need to look up at the stars. we as a people are so much happier when we're using the earth, submersing ourselves in nature - and i don't spend enough time outside. i'm so busy, and tired when i'm not busy, that my bed or the couch sound delectable, but that has to change. god bless houston weather.

to despise nothing in the world except falsehood and meanness - isn't that the truth. if the only things you allowed to provoke negative emotions in you were true falsehood and meanness, and if you immediately addressed them, how much easier would things be? let everything else go. your emotional weight has a huge bearing on your physical weight, so stop carrying around anything that isn't a positive contribution to your being.

and to fear nothing except cowardice - the only thing standing between us and our goals, dreams, and a perfect love, is fear. if fear prevents something from happening, then the only thing you should fear is being a coward. how many times do we have to talk about failure being a lesson and a blessing? you never know until you try, and i'll never regret trying and failing like i will never trying at all.

to be governed by your admirations rather than by your disgusts - may we all find motivation in positive influences over spiteful motivations.

to covet nothing that is your neighbor's except his kindness of heart and gentleness of manners - be polite to a stranger today. envy nothing and strive for everything. understand that what is portrayed outward isn't always what's within, so be at peace with your own substance and worry not about your neighbors.

to think seldom of your enemies, often of your friends - it can take up to eight compliments to repair harsh criticism. pay it forward with kind words and pay no mind to those who mean wrong by you.

and to spend as much time as you can, with body and with spirit - be you. authentically and wholly. pay equal mind to your body and spirit, neglecting the health and wellness of neither. strive to be better and stronger in both regards equally, as a balanced life is a happy life.

these are little guideposts on the footpath to peace.

grace and peace,
kaci

the charming truth

For someone so seemingly uncensored, you'd be surprised at how often I have to filter myself. I'm getting much better at it with time, and I'm more so understanding that while the things I want to say have merit, there are better times than others to share. The timing of the delivery can often be more impactful than the message itself. This piece being an example - it's something I've wanted to share for a while, but my current situation in which I was given this jewel of wisdom didn't have an appreciation for it. But that's neither here nor there.

It was a muggy August evening in the great city of Austin, Texas, and I was sitting around a picnic table on the rooftop of the historic Maggie Mae's on 6th. Love, life, and the like was the topic of conversation amongst myself and my colleagues, and the "secret to a successful marriage" if you will, was on the table. This was when I heard one of the most profound, impactful bits of knowledge and observation I never would've realized on my own. Something that made more sense than almost anything I'd ever heard and was as inspiring as it was terrifying. And naturally, it was delivered in my most favorite package...a charming little story...

A business partner of mine proceeded to share a story from his grandparents 50th wedding anniversary celebration. The point in the evening came when the grandfather was to share a few words with family and friends, and being the talker and entertainer that he was, his shy grandmother was happy to sit back and enjoy his speech on their behalf. As delightful as his story was, a cousin stood and insisted that grandma share and give her two cents as well. She was incredibly hesitant, but when posed with the question, "What's the secret to making a marriage last 50 years and beyond?" - she evidently knew exactly what to say and was moved by it. She slowly stood, thought to herself for a moment, and answered, "The key to a successful marriage is never falling out of love with one another...at the same time."

Wow.

To this day I can remember how taken back I was by that statement, and how much it has resonated with me is obvious. Someone so young in life and love as myself, the thought of not being madly-head-over-heels-can't-breathe-without-you in love sounded like a terrifying and uncertain place to be. I wasn't great at handling conflicts of a personal nature in relationships because I feared the inevitable and previously experienced, "I've fallen out of love with you." Circumstantial issues, no problem, I'm a great communicator in love, but more personal annoyances and arguments rattled me to the core. However, having moved onward and up to where I was at that point, and furthermore to where I am now, it makes all the sense in the world.

His grandmother continued to say that it wasn't about always being perfectly happy and on the same page, but it was about one of you always holding it together when the other might falter. So long as one of you was wholeheartedly committed, that level of love and patience would inspire the love and dedication in the other to be rekindled, and would remind them of how and why they fell in love with you in the first place.

This was such a novel concept to someone like me, someone who takes things very personally and has a difficult time not allowing relational turmoil to cause ripples in every area of my life. I'm learning to compartmentalize, but moreover, I'm learning to have faith. Confidence in love and in myself was never the issue, it was the uncertainty and uncontrollable quality of the other's feelings that I was fearful of and wanted nothing to do with provoking those potential changes.

I think it's brilliant to hear and understand that it's not always going to be peachy, or easy, or delightful, because we all know that to be true - but so long as one of you maintains that level of passion and commitment, you can and will inspire it in your other half. This means that your love for your companion must be completely based on and in them, so much so that even in the worst of times, and even at your worst, you still acknowledge and are connected to that which brought you together in the first place. Much like my previous post on failure, those setbacks and adversities create stronger bonds when repaired, and if hard lessons are to be learned in every other area of life, why do we hope that our romantic life be exempt from such experiences? #everythinghappensforareason

Most importantly, at least for me, is coming to peace with the fact that I'm not always going to be someone's favorite. They're not always going to adore me. I'm going to annoy and irritate them, and make them angry as well. We're going to miscommunicate and have trouble seeing eye to eye. These conditions bother me because I'm such a lover and a nurturer that I hate to evoke anything but positive emotions in my companion. However, these things don't mean they don't still love me. I am to know and believe that at the end of the day, the love that is felt for me is based on something bigger, something wildly unexplainable and intangible, and is based on whatever that little something is that makes me me, and makes me different than any other girl in the world.

Never falling out of love at the same time is probably the most brilliant way of bringing life and action to the concept of "marriage is hard work". Being confident in your own love, believing that it can hold, lift up, and inspire someone, is the key. And after all, if it's not meant to be, it won't be - and if it is, well, then at the end of the day, after all the work and compromise, it is truly the most effortless joy you've ever experienced.

To love, life, and the like -
klc

failure from 30,000 feet.

Just a little something I threw together on a flight to New York last week about the positive implications of failure...

Fail [feyl] verb (used without object)

1. to fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approved: The experiment failed because of poor planning.

2. to receive less than the passing grade or mark in an examination, class, or course of study: He failed in history.

3. to be or become deficient or lacking; be insufficient or absent; fall short: Our supplies failed.

4. to dwindle, pass, or die away: The flowers failed for lack of rain.

5. to lose strength or vigor; become weak: His health failed after the operation.

Anytime I'm watching a football game and I'm rooting for a team starting a young or rookie quarterback (God bless the second half of the Texans season...) I can't wait for him to get sacked. Not because I want to see him take a hit, remember - I'm on his side. I want him to take the sack and get the nerves hit out of him. It's like once he takes that first hit, it's out of the way, and the fear of being taken down lessens, and he seems much calmer in the pocket.

It's also like a winning streak, like the Green Bay Packers going into the Kansas City game this last season. Kansas City? Seriously? That's probably the LAST team on the Packers schedule I would've guessed would've handed them their first loss, but the pressure mounted and the fear of losing overwhelmed the fact that it was just another game. Just like the game before and the one to come, they all weighed the game, or should have - but this game had become so much more. When the fear of losing becomes the focus, you're not winning. Just like the University of Houston Cougars this year. Never had we had College Game Day on campus, nor had we attracted such national attention, and the pressure to win was intensified by the fear of losing, and no one played like themselves.

Where I'm going with this is - there's all this pressure to win, go for the perfect season, have the ideal relationship, make no mistakes, and be seemingly flawless to everyone. While we all know we're human and capable of making mistakes and bad decisions, it's rare that we embrace wrong turns, much less applaud them.



As a child, the "pass or fail" concept in school lays the foundation for the belief system that passing is for winners and failing is for losers. What type of person really grows into a winner without ever having suffered a loss, tragedy, or lesson that was self-induced, intentionally or not.

My point is, "failure" has gotten such a bad rap, and coming from someone who has experienced a tremendous failure recently, I don't think it's so bad. I think failure as a result of a lack of effort on your part is something to be ashamed of. However, when you've given all you've got and know in your heart you did the best you could, I think it's hardly a failure. I think it's the biggest blessing of a lesson one could learn. I learn more from my mistakes than my accomplishments, and while I don't fancy the feeling of coming up short, it happens - and if you can embrace it, pridelessly, it can become your victory.

I was having an interesting conversation at the office Friday morning. Somehow a colleague and I got on the subject of failure, and she shared an interesting story. Our office building is attached to the Houston Galleria, and as said colleague was walking through the mall one day for lunch, she passed by the ice skating rink and noticed a group of small girls receiving what seemed to be their first ice skating lesson. Rather than beginning with the fundamentals or technique of skating, their first exercise was to fall. They were taught to fall - how to fall, how to get back up, and ultimately, how to not fear the ice. They would fall, get back up, fall, get back up, and fall again. The repetition made them resilient to the fall, therefore, they had nothing to fear about learning to turn, jump, spin, etc. They'd been down before, and they knew how to get right back up and keep moving. the frequency of their falls outweighed the number of successful turns or tricks, so there was no where to go but up.

My colleague went on to share with me a quote a college professor shared with her many years ago. She understood it in theory then, but it wasn't until recently that it began to make a lot more sense. She shared with me something I had never heard. "We're all taught how to succeed, but we're never taught how to fail."

We're given every tool and opportunity to succeed, but rarely are we instructed how to fail. How to go about declaring something a failure by fate and not by lack of effort. How to process those emotions, how to declare something over, or how to learn from the situation. At times we may be asked what we learned from our "mistake" after being scolded, but never do we approach a situation prepared for and at peace with either outcome.

I think this is most prevalent in relationships, mainly because it's hard to be objective about something that is emotionally based and driven. You've got to enter relationships knowing that if they don't last through various upcoming seasons of your life, that that is ok, and that they were there to help teach you lessons so you could evolve as a companion - but it's important not to get do fixated on the individual and focus more on the companionship. I think if you can master this while you're dating, you'll be setting yourself up for a successful marriage. (Then again...what do I know?)

With that being said, the last thing I'm doing is advocating entering into situations or relationships prepared to be unsuccessful - but in the end if that is the case, how will you handle it?

The worst and most dangerous thing about "failure" is denial. We're taught to be so ashamed of our "shortcomings" that the best defense mechanism is to project the blame on everything you had no control over. We're taught pride over humility, so instead of reflecting back on where we should take ownership and working through how we can grow from that experience, we cushion our ego with blame and denial and move on to the next one. I've made it a point to look at every unfortunate or undesirable situation I enter into and ask myself what behaviors and actions I can take ownership of and acknowledge how I contributed to the situation and what I can do differently moving forward.


Anytime you share with someone that you didn't get a job, a relationship ended, or that you came short of reaching a goal - their automatic response is apologetic in nature. I've grown rather tired lately of all the looks and words or sorrow and condolence. Why should we assume that all failed endeavors are negative? This continued reaction is what predispositions us to fear failure and to be ashamed of it. Pity shouldn't be the natural or sought after reaction. I'd appreciate a "better luck next time" or "everything happens for a reason" response, but that level of optimism is found few and far between. It's almost like we equate that response with denial, rather than realizing that neglecting to learn lessons and embrace unexpected outcomes is where the real failure lies.

My divorce was the worst, best thing that's ever happened to me, with getting fat following as a close second, and probably the separation of my parents when I was young in third. The heartache and sadness of a separation of that magnitude is unbelievable, and the shame and embarrassment people try to project on you is suffocating. However, I am acknowledging that I needed something of that magnitude to teach me the lessons I needed to learn about companionship. I accept that I was very young and made a quick decision during a transitional phase in my life. I'm not necessarily "proud" of saying I've been divorced, but I am proud of the person I've become because as result of that experience and wouldn't change a second of it all even if I could.

I think it's important as you age to look back and connect the dots. Remember the endings of relationships that you thought were going to be the end of you, and look at you now. Look at how each relationship was a stepping stone to the next. Likewise, take jobs for an example. How devastated were you when you didn't get a certain job, or when you weren't successful at another. But look at where you are and think about how different things would be had any of those paths panned out. I am 100% confident that so long as you're doing the best you can, all "failures" are just forced detours back to the road you're building for yourself, the road you're supposed to be traveling down. I wouldn't be nearly as appreciative as I am for all the things and people I have in my life right now had I not experienced the loss of other people and dreams. Thank God for unanswered prayers, right?

I've found myself being able to handle situations with a level head and patience like never before, because I stay focused on what I can learn from the situation. If something isn't ending, working, or taking off, I'm confident it's because there are still things there for you to learn and experience, whether you like it at the moment or not.

Pride is a tough pill to swallow, and it certainly comes before the fall. But if you can channel that pride into appreciating what you've learned and what's been taken away in order to make room for something new, I think that's when pride serves you well.

Here's to failing consciously, gracefully, and thankfully.
k